5-7-11

Dear God and Magenta,

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I don’t have an idea how to surprise Mommy so, since Mommy bought a lottery ticket, I was wondering if you, God, can make us win as a Mother’s day present! PLEASE! You have no idea how happy Mommy will be! I mean, if we win the lottery and our lives get ruined relationship wise, forget it. But if not, PLEASE GOD, make us win tonight, you have no idea much much I will and Mommy will appreciate it. And if we do win, I ask you to keep up smart so we can invest the money (some of it) and still be making money non-stop. PLEASE! Then hopefully I can start modeling and accomplish my goals. PLEASE God! I really want this to happen.

Magenta, I love you. God, I love you.

Love, Me

PS. I have a feeling we’re gonna win!

UPDATE 2020: WE NEVER WON

5-5-11

Dear Magenta,

I WANT to be like Beyoncé! I love her. I love how she is a positive influence on girls like me and that’s exactly how I want to be! I want to be a mix of Queen Rania and Beyoncé. I love both of them. I wanna be famous so when I step in the room to help people, they’ll look at me and be like “OMG, it’s her!” God PLEASE let that happen. I actually have a feeling that I will be famous when I grow up and rich BTW, but I don’t know if I’ll be a positive influence. I really hope I will be. I hope God will give me plenty of opportunities to accomplish that and I hope I will.

Magenta, I love you. God, I love you!

Love me.

undated

Dear Magenta,

There’s a voice inside my head. He’s British and he’s really judge mental. He’s the voice of the narrator of LBP. Whatever I do, he’s there saying “She hates this” or “This bothers her”. I’m sick of him but he’s just there. Am I insane? Is there someone else in me. He always tells me that my Dad, brothers and me he’s the reason why I’m not myself around Dahlia. I’m so tired. I don’t know why, I don’t feel like going to school. I have another voice in me telling me I hate school and I’m pretty sure that’s the voice of the devil so GO AWAY YOU! But the British voice is just there, revealing my true emotions in my head and I wish I could hear those words in real life, just to make sure I’m not crazy. God, make someone say that so I KNOW I’m not crazy. I don’t want to be crazy because I have so many goals in life and I WANT to complete. I don’t wanna be stuck in a mental hospital. I wonder how my family feels about me. I hope THEY don’t think I’m crazy…. God, I ❤ you. Magenta, I ❤ you.

PS: Why did my ears hurt in the morning?

PPS: Now me, the voice isn’t British

PPPS: Whenever I’m done writing I never feel better, just quiet.

Tear drops

4-25-11

Change – Me

Dear Magenta,

Yesterday night, I had a life changing dream. I’m too lazy to write it all but anyway, I learned to always help people in need. ALWAYS! Even if I don’t know that person very well. Dahlia is coming at the end of May and I really want to show her who I really am. When I’m around her, I feel like I have low self esteem and I’m soooo shy. I’m like in a shell that I wish I can break out of. There is no use for asking God to help me becuz it’s myself who needs to change. I NEED TO CHANGE! Magenta, I ❤ you. God, I ❤ you.

I ❤ this pen.

❤ Me

God, help me change ❤

I’m in a wheel and need to get out.

4-14-11

Dear Magenta,

You have no idea for how sorry I feel for my mom. I ❤ her to death and the fact that she ended up with an ass of a husband blows my mind. I mean, I would sacrifice my life for someone as amazing as her and if it would make her happy. I’m positive she had huge dreams like me but she never was dedicated enough to accomplish them. I really hope one day when I get rich, I can buy her everything she always wanted to have. And I really hope my goals will be accomplished as soon as possible. I don’t want my mom to die alone too. I want her to find her true love as soon as possible so she will be happy. I want this to happen right after mommy and daddy divorce does she will be happy as soon as possible. This is strange cause I don’t look up to her but I love her with all my heart. The person who I do look up to is Dahlia. I hope God will make the reality show happen before I graduate so I will be rich (kinda) and famous. That will boost my modeling career. But I WANT to show Dahlia and the WORLD the real me, the way I am with my friends, I WANT to be more self confident so I can accomplish ALL the things I wanna accomplish. Magenta, I ❤ you. God, I ❤ you.

❤ Me

4-11-11

Dear Magenta and God,

I’m sorry about my last letter to you Magenta. But want to tell you how excited I am to grow and have a family and be rich and famous, its going to be so exciting. But what I want is for someone to be BEST FRIENDS with so we can grow up together and be famous with. I want to be able to trust my friend so I could tell her everything and right now, I don’t have a friend like that. I want my best friend to be like my sister and my whole family likes her family so we could be like one big family so it would be ok for us to hang out all the time. So God, in order for me to accomplish the goals in my first entry, please send me a sister (best friend) that I can have an amazing relationship with. You know what I mean, like be roommates with and sisters with. If you so this then I feel like I can accomplished all the goals in my life. Magenta, I ❤ you! God, I ❤ you!

❤ Me

undated

I’m lost, I have no idea where I’m going. Life feels like a dream. The back of my head feels missing. I wanna cry but I don’t wanna make a “scene’”. What does this mean? Why am I here? Why aren’t I happy? When will I be happy. I have a headache. I don’t want to go to school but I do. I want to take a chance. I wanna run away. I want to live. I want to cry. I wanna dream. I want to sleep and never wake up. I want to know that someone loves me. Why am I here? Why do I exist? What good do I do? Why doesn’t anyone support me? What the fuck is wrong with Daddy? I wanna go to sleep. God, what’s wrong with me? I feel like throwing up. My hearts beating fast. I feel weak. I’m ugly. Why aren’t I pretty? Why doesn’t anyone say I’m pretty? Why do I dress like a slob? I feel like weird. I wanna sleep and dream and never stop.

4-7-11

Dear Magenta,

Yesterday, Cameron and Leilah and me went to the Spectrum. While we were at Pinkberry, a guy came up to us and said we looked beautiful today. Two days ago in this journal, I wrote that I wanted someone to compliment me and so I could feel beautiful. Ty God, if you did this on purpose, but I don’t know if that was directed to me. I don’t feel like writing so bye.

❤ Me ❤

4-5-11

Dear Magenta,

I was looking at the moon this night while we were driving to the Spectrum (we as in my family) and I was amazed on how beautiful the sky looked. Although there was tons of light pollution, the sky stole my eyes for five minutes or so. The moon was the next stage after the full moon I think, the crescent gibbous thing was facing upwards to the heavens. It was right at the end of sunset, so the sky had hints of blue and orange. There were two planes with huge lights that really caught my eye and as I continued to stare at the moon, I saw one of the planes preparing for landing with its red and green lights.

Back to the moon, you could see the silhouette of the whole moon even though it was at its waxing or gibbous stage. There was a hint of light that made the moon look like it was glowing with joy and laughter. Now that I realize it, I hope God is trying to show me a sign that everything will be alright.

Dear God,

If this is a sign, THANK YOU! I got it! – Me ❤

Anyway, today at P.E. my ball rolled up to “tree” and he tossed it to me and gave me a look. I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but I hope it was good. I want to know if boys think I am attractive or not. It doesn’t have to be in a sexy way, but in a beautiful way. I WANT to hear a cute guy tell me I look good or say “Yea, I think I like her” (in the way that he wants to go out with me). I want to feel beautiful because my parents won’t let me look beautiful like Leilah or Simran. But beauty has to do with the heart, how you feel about others on the inside. I guess I will find what kind of true beauty I have later. Magenta, I ❤ you. God, I ❤ you!

❤ Good night!