I’m lost, I have no idea where I’m going. Life feels like a dream. The back of my head feels missing. I wanna cry but I don’t wanna make a “scene’”. What does this mean? Why am I here? Why aren’t I happy? When will I be happy. I have a headache. I don’t want to go to school but I do. I want to take a chance. I wanna run away. I want to live. I want to cry. I wanna dream. I want to sleep and never wake up. I want to know that someone loves me. Why am I here? Why do I exist? What good do I do? Why doesn’t anyone support me? What the fuck is wrong with Daddy? I wanna go to sleep. God, what’s wrong with me? I feel like throwing up. My hearts beating fast. I feel weak. I’m ugly. Why aren’t I pretty? Why doesn’t anyone say I’m pretty? Why do I dress like a slob? I feel like weird. I wanna sleep and dream and never stop.
I was looking at the moon this night while we were driving to the Spectrum (we as in my family) and I was amazed on how beautiful the sky looked. Although there was tons of light pollution, the sky stole my eyes for five minutes or so. The moon was the next stage after the full moon I think, the crescent gibbous thing was facing upwards to the heavens. It was right at the end of sunset, so the sky had hints of blue and orange. There were two planes with huge lights that really caught my eye and as I continued to stare at the moon, I saw one of the planes preparing for landing with its red and green lights.
Back to the moon, you could see the silhouette of the whole moon even though it was at its waxing or gibbous stage. There was a hint of light that made the moon look like it was glowing with joy and laughter. Now that I realize it, I hope God is trying to show me a sign that everything will be alright.
If this is a sign, THANK YOU! I got it! – Me ❤
Anyway, today at P.E. my ball rolled up to “tree” and he tossed it to me and gave me a look. I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but I hope it was good. I want to know if boys think I am attractive or not. It doesn’t have to be in a sexy way, but in a beautiful way. I WANT to hear a cute guy tell me I look good or say “Yea, I think I like her” (in the way that he wants to go out with me). I want to feel beautiful because my parents won’t let me look beautiful like Leilah or Simran. But beauty has to do with the heart, how you feel about others on the inside. I guess I will find what kind of true beauty I have later. Magenta, I ❤ you. God, I ❤ you!
❤ Good night!